How to chat about your sexual needs and fantasies?
Talking to your partner about sex can be more stressful than about work. How do you talk about your sexual needs and fantasies when the fear of rejection hugs your throat?
It is fairly common to think that sex is better to have than to talk about it.
This is a misconception. In the office, I constantly hear stories that partners want to fulfill their sexual needs, but they are not talking about it. The other side is supposed to guess what’s going on. Failure to chat about sex usually leads to a lot of failure in a relationship, and it can destroy it from the very beginning. A generation of men who grew up on porn believe anal sex is good for foreplay. Already on their first date, they try to get to a woman’s ass. The woman does not know what is happening: she expects foreplay, caresses, kisses. Anal sex comes into play, but later when partners build a greater sense of security. It is possible that if they talked about their needs, the relationship could go on unchallenged.
This is a problem that affects not only short-term couples. In 20- and 30-year-old relationships, there is also silence about sex.
Imagine the situation: it is 9:00 p.m., the partner is trying to initiate sex, but the partner is not interested. He then thinks that maybe he is no longer attractive to her. If so, he will no longer seduce her. Meanwhile, her partner rejected him not because she stopped liking him, but she remembered that a few hours earlier he had said something unpleasant to her. If the partners do not immediately explain what is behind the behavior, an argument is almost certain.
What is behind the lack of conversation?
Many people find it safer not to have sex chat. They are afraid to experience rejection, they feel that it would hurt them a lot. And indeed they are often rejected, but paradoxically the reason is the lack of conversation about sexual preferences, needs and fantasies.
We also think that since we’re together, the other person should be reading our minds.
I often hear from my patients that “when he loves, he understands it”, “we are together for so long, he should know what I mean”. Indeed, it is a common belief that the longer a relationship lasts, the better partners should understand their needs. I risk the opposite statement: the longer the relationship is, the greater the likelihood of misunderstandings. Therefore, each time you have to clarify the disputed issues and not sweep anything under the rug.
What happens if we don’t talk about our sexual needs and fantasies?
Lack of conversation in a relationship is often no sex, and no sex is a growing tension that, if left unloaded, will seek release through other channels. Rheumatic pains, spine pains, digestive system diseases, cardio logical diseases, neuralgia – this is how the body tries to say that our sexual sphere is not doing well.
The real threat is descending into the sexual guerrilla – plunging into pornography, cybersex, adult sex chats. Some people choose porn because they feel they are so tired of life and commitments that the next “man-hours” spent on sex is too much for them. A date, a dinner in the city, maybe a cinema, then home, foreplay … It’s faster and easier to reach for porn, but it does not bring real satisfaction. It forgets that sex is the easiest way to get pleasure. You just need to turn off the task mode, allow yourself to be tender, touch, caress. For many couples, sex is an important sphere of life, but they do not meet each other. Partner likes to make love in the morning, partner likes to make love in the evening. They don’t talk about it, they get frustrated. Sometimes they end a relationship because they feel that they are not good. Or maybe they just got together, they just need to talk more about what they want from the other person? So many nice relationships fall apart without talking.